When Goals Stall: From Frustration to Renewed Focus
As I sat down to start drafting content for this piece, I began to reflect on the amount of time it’s been since I’ve put something out there. This summer I was going strong, consistently writing articles every week. I felt confident about my ability to maintain that pace for the foreseeable future. After all, I created Sexton Leadership in part to serve as a home for consistent new material to live. As the days got shorter, however, something happened. Several significant initiatives started to pick up in my full-time role, while an increasing number of potential clients were concurrently citing interest in partnering on workshop and leadership development initiatives. Given that all of my content generation and workshop preparation takes place outside of the traditional workday, something had to give.
We have a finite amount of time and energy and it’s essential to be mindful of how we distribute these resources. It’s easy to type a statement like that, but it’s a lot harder to put into practice. I’ll be vulnerable here for a moment. As the weeks went by, and I became increasingly aware of the time that had elapsed since my last article, I started to wrestle with the idea that I wasn’t doing enough. Whenever it came time to write, I was often faced with competing demands like requests from my family to spend time together (I try to make sure my “team” at home takes priority as often as possible), needing to spend time on the evenings or weekends working on an initiative for a client or simply carving out time for a workout / simple downtime. That led me to ponder a few important questions.
The first centered around the idea of reframing priorities. When we’re not achieving established goals, the root cause almost always comes back to prioritization and time management. As I reflected on what that meant for me, I became okay with the idea that a brief reprieve from writing wasn’t the end of the world, and any deadline or expectation for creating long-form content was really self-imposed. I also reflected on the wisdom shared by my friend, Maika Leibbrandt, who said to me when I kicked off on this venture, “Sometimes you’re going to feel like writing a lot. Embrace that energy and roll with it whenever it’s there. Other times you won’t feel like writing at all. Just remember that you don’t have to be on all the time”. I took some solace in that advice, knowing that when the time and motivation were there to start drafting new material, I’d be right back at it.
The second question focused on how to process frustration when we fall short of our goals. If you fail to achieve some stated weekly or monthly objective, does that mean that you aren’t cut out for something or that you should quit altogether? My answer to that is a resounding no. If there’s a goal that you want to strive for but you fall short for a while, it doesn't necessarily mean it’s time to throw in the towel. It might just be an opportunity to refocus and get back at it when you’re ready. Other times, it’s just about finding the time or energy to refocus. In a former student support role, one of my spouse’s favorite pieces of advice for students struggling with motivation was to encourage them to take a first step and then see if anything else happens from there. “Don’t feel like going for a run? Just get dressed and put your shoes on without committing to do anything else. Once you’re dressed you’ll likely find that it’s harder to justify not doing what you set out to do.” We still use that advice with one another today when we start to give voice to excuses for skipping a planned workout or taking a break from any of our other personal goals
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Then, I wondered, what if the root of our inaction is bigger than a lack of motivation? That led me to reflect on a roundtable conversation several weeks ago on the concept of resilience in the workplace. Our discussion centered on the ability to persevere through animosity, stress, and frustrating situations. As we spoke about resilience, the concept of grit came up and several people emphasized how important this quality is for working through challenging situations. One person in the group strongly disagreed with the direction of the conversation, exclaiming, “I hate it when people talk about grit and use it as a catch-all response when you’re struggling.” She went on to explain that far too often in the past, while she was in the midst of a significant challenge, she’d been encouraged by a supervisor at work to just stick with it and things would get better.
Can a response to frustration like this feel shallow and empty? She indicated that this could indeed be the case. “When I’m looking for help, or not feeling like I can sustain through something, I don’t want to hear a tone-deaf response focused on just buckling down. Show me that you care. Ask what you can do to help or what I need. Perhaps that’s what would be the most important factor in helping me persevere. Just show a little support.” I had a bit of an adverse reaction at first as I thought to myself that grit, resilience, and tenacity are all essential for persevering through animosity. As I continued to listen and resisted the inclination to comment, I found myself reflecting on the importance of support in navigating significant challenges.
People demonstrate varying levels of tolerance for navigating sustained periods of stress, but even the most durable among us have a limit. We often think of colleagues at work within the vacuum of their present environment, but in reality, our personal and professional lives are more interweaved than we’d like to pretend they are. If we’re miserable at work, we often carry that stress home and it can impact our friends and family as we struggle to navigate the stress and frustration associated with our career. Inversely, when we’re navigating significant personal stressors, those challenges can start to influence how we show up at work. Personal stressors (i.e. the loss of a loved one, relationship troubles, financial pressures, and more) can all influence how present and effective we are at different times in professional roles. The more significant the challenge, the more essential the importance of support.
We can all provide support to a colleague when they’re struggling, but that requires choosing to be present enough to provide the support they need. To be frank, we simply have to be willing to demonstrate that we give a damn. Try this the next time you sense a team member is a bit off. Instead of asking “How are you today” which tends to elicit a generic “Pretty good” response; try saying, “You don’t seem like yourself. Is there anything going on you want to talk about?”. Sometimes, that oh so simple demonstration of care can give someone the opportunity to give voice to something that may be weighing on them. That said, it’s also important to recognize that when the support required is beyond what we have to give, you may need to encourage and empower people to seek additional help. All of this requires the awareness and wherewithal to genuinely check in on someone when something seems off.
In summary, here are a few takeaways to reflect on if you or someone you know is in the midst of a proverbial storm, regardless of whether it’s simple or serious:
Take Care of Yourself: It’s hard to function at a high level when you’re running on empty. Get the sleep you require, eat well, take care of personal relationships, and get out there and move a little bit. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It helps ensure that you’re at max capacity when it’s time to perform.
Clarify Your Top Priorities (and Re-assess as Necessary): You need to be clear about what’s most important for managing your time effectively. Don’t confuse action with productivity. It’s easy to be busy. You have to be more intentional to be effective and efficient. Recognize as well that you can’t do it all. If you need to put a goal on hold, or perhaps clarify if it’s still a priority, give yourself the permission to do so.
Seek Additional Help When Necessary: We’re all used to navigating peaks and valleys within a given timeframe. That said, when you feel like you’re in a funk that you can’t get out of…or if you’re in the midst of something so serious that it feels unbearable, seek the right support. That will mean different things to different people. You might simply need the counsel of a trusted mentor, friend, or coach. Or if the situation feels more daunting and overwhelming, your best resource may be a trusted loved one, a mental health professional, or spiritual leader. Nobody can go it alone all the time and it’s important to recognize when to seek help and support.
I hope this reflective piece gives you or someone you know the opportunity to reevaluate and reprioritize goals, particularly if like me you’ve recently experienced (or are in the midst of experiencing) a period of frustration around not achieving something you set out to do. Keep in mind that regardless of how resilient you are, we can all benefit from the social support provided by those we trust to help us work through periods of frustration.
Until next time…
